For a time I'd look back on months and review, but they were generally negative and I wanted to look back on this one with a little happiness and possibly insight.
Things are not good and they didn't get better in terms of the big picture, but July allowed me to breath for the first time in a while. I didn't have to drown my sorrows by overstating the value of insignificant things, in a cold alcoholic beverage, in escapism or in my actual tears. I was able to truly breathe and the air was cleaner, fresher and possibly a little more life was inhaled.
July didn't move quickly for me. Summer months are usually those we grasp so tightly that they squirm away faster than we can ever hope to catch them. This has never been the case for me. The summer, historically has been my busy time. The time the casual jobs become serious work and the hours become days. The responsibility greater and people's trust in me is tested. I've never failed, but this summer there are no tests, no daily pressure, but there is also nothing keeping me going, but the hopes for a prosperous future.
July so me turn a year older, with no fanfare other than a nice bottle of wine and some lamb. July tore my heart out in a single e-mail, written by me, a day late, but the response would have been the same had it been on time. July saw me seeking a place and receiving it and possibly for longer than than I had wanted. July saw me smile and allowed me two seconds of having my eyes open, at "home" without great frustration and rage engulfing me. Those moments aren't gone, but they have been put far enough away that I got to enjoy life again. Not for one night or a wild weekend, but it for enough time that I feel good about myself again.
It's time to move on. To break the ties that bind that never really were that tight to begin with. I've shunned routine my entire life and have fallen into one over the last 30 years that I loathe with every fiber of my being. I am not setting out on some wild trail, which despite being a lovely thought, is not at all my destiny. I have set no boundaries for my search for a new start, but will greatly keep in mind the small handful of people I need in my life. One month away truly shows you who those people are and I in return have probably showed them, but the difference was, I needed this escape, in many ways from them.
I thank the two who are closest for caring for me when I needed it most and I only hope to return the favor when they need it most. I thank the one person who I've hurt the most who is always there for me. I giggle at those who tell me they are there, but are absent and I thank those who just need a little reminder of who I am and who they are to me. Those two people mean the world to me too. And to the stranger who makes me laugh and wonder who she might really be, I thank her. She keeps me on my toes, thinking, laughing, chuckling at our distinct similarities and glaring differences. Our love of life, the arts, beauty and nature and our overstated hatred of socializing and people in general. The hatred is a lower case "h" for it is not true hate, but a contentment in our solitude.
I also thank my mother, for reminding me of tougher times that we all overcame, even if one of us had to leave for the others to move on. It's not always up or in the right direction, but we're still moving. Thanks for the push.
Things are not good and they didn't get better in terms of the big picture, but July allowed me to breath for the first time in a while. I didn't have to drown my sorrows by overstating the value of insignificant things, in a cold alcoholic beverage, in escapism or in my actual tears. I was able to truly breathe and the air was cleaner, fresher and possibly a little more life was inhaled.
July didn't move quickly for me. Summer months are usually those we grasp so tightly that they squirm away faster than we can ever hope to catch them. This has never been the case for me. The summer, historically has been my busy time. The time the casual jobs become serious work and the hours become days. The responsibility greater and people's trust in me is tested. I've never failed, but this summer there are no tests, no daily pressure, but there is also nothing keeping me going, but the hopes for a prosperous future.
July so me turn a year older, with no fanfare other than a nice bottle of wine and some lamb. July tore my heart out in a single e-mail, written by me, a day late, but the response would have been the same had it been on time. July saw me seeking a place and receiving it and possibly for longer than than I had wanted. July saw me smile and allowed me two seconds of having my eyes open, at "home" without great frustration and rage engulfing me. Those moments aren't gone, but they have been put far enough away that I got to enjoy life again. Not for one night or a wild weekend, but it for enough time that I feel good about myself again.
It's time to move on. To break the ties that bind that never really were that tight to begin with. I've shunned routine my entire life and have fallen into one over the last 30 years that I loathe with every fiber of my being. I am not setting out on some wild trail, which despite being a lovely thought, is not at all my destiny. I have set no boundaries for my search for a new start, but will greatly keep in mind the small handful of people I need in my life. One month away truly shows you who those people are and I in return have probably showed them, but the difference was, I needed this escape, in many ways from them.
I thank the two who are closest for caring for me when I needed it most and I only hope to return the favor when they need it most. I thank the one person who I've hurt the most who is always there for me. I giggle at those who tell me they are there, but are absent and I thank those who just need a little reminder of who I am and who they are to me. Those two people mean the world to me too. And to the stranger who makes me laugh and wonder who she might really be, I thank her. She keeps me on my toes, thinking, laughing, chuckling at our distinct similarities and glaring differences. Our love of life, the arts, beauty and nature and our overstated hatred of socializing and people in general. The hatred is a lower case "h" for it is not true hate, but a contentment in our solitude.
I also thank my mother, for reminding me of tougher times that we all overcame, even if one of us had to leave for the others to move on. It's not always up or in the right direction, but we're still moving. Thanks for the push.
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