Friday, October 31, 2014

Halloween: The Greatest Berger Ever

I've written about my dislike of this holiday, but not for the reasons most would think. I've written about the silliness of people not being able to be their wildest, other than this night. I've written about how so many costumes reveal so many layers for some and hide some for others. The reality is, I do like Halloween from a kids point of view and as someone who has been or at least tried to have been, a role model.  My problem has always been the adults, but I don't want to think about that right now.

This is the first time in a decade and a half that I won't get to see "my kids" dressed up. I won't get to see the hilarious things they think up, like "Zombie Batman" or "Figure Skater Princess." I won't get to ask the kids, who costumes are painfully simple, "What are you supposed to be?" Only to be told something completely different than what they appeared to be. This is what I will miss and while some of you may laugh or those who get to experience it, take for granted, it will eat at me all day. Sure seeing kids in their outfits will be nice, but there won't be a connection and the stories, some of which tell themselves, but as time goes on, get better and better in my mind.

Usually my fifth graders didn't dress up for school, but one year, while waiting for all of my kids to arrive, I was told by those who arrived early to prepare. "Wait, til you see Berger!" Now this was a funny kid, but little did I expect that he would take his name to a whole other level. As he appeared, I couldn't control myself. Here was this kid, dressed as a hamburger, but the costume was huge. The funniest was that the burger was horizontal, so nobody could even stand that close to him, but he looked fantastic. As we walked down the hallway, he asked if he could play in the costume. We ended up playing kickball, so I said sure. Of course, Berger decided to use his costume as a battering ram with any kid who dared get in his way. I needed to make sure he didn't take it too far, but by the end of the class, kids were begging to get knocked over. I think the funniest part was when his mother came to get him and saw him still wearing it. She just rolled her eyes and half apologized, to which I explained there was no need.

Three years later, when he was graduating the eighth grade, many of the kids came back to see their old teachers and say hello. Berger made a point to come back and visit the after school class and seemed so grown up. He just stood and talked, telling me about his year and his maturity impressed me. Not the silly kid who I remembered. Then, as he left, he yelled out to the class and said "ask John about the time I hit him with the dodgeball and he farted. I guess, no matter how much older you get, you never lose your sense of humor.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Importance Of Nothing

Every day of my life I have laughed off serious events that could or did impact my life. That is not to say I did not take them seriously, but I have always looked at things from the "what's the worst case scenario" viewpoint. Now don't misunderstand, I do not go into things assuming failure or even anything other than success, but in my mind I always ask myself, what is the worst that could come of it.

So, you'd assume I'm going to talk about something bad happening. Nope, that is not at all the case. What I've noticed recently is that people all around me put so much importance in nothing.  The weather, the traffic, what to have for dinner, is my kid dressed warmly enough, etc. Listen, I get safety, health and the enjoyment of life, but the stress over every little thing in life, doesn't only affect the one doing it, but it tears at those of us who don't really care. I'm not saying we don't care about those we love and are friends with, but we don't care about every little hurdle they imagine.

Here's where I do something hypocritical. I can't stand people who are cryptic, but I can't give examples, because those who read may feel I'm betraying a trust or some of you vain people out there may believe this song is about you. If you like a girl and you want to ask her out. I will support your effort all you want, but don't ask me to date her friend. If you need me to watch your kids, while you go to a job interview, I'd be happy, but don't tell me you stopped for a drink and lunch with friends after. These examples aren't close to what I'm really talking about, the point is there. Don't expect others to stress with you over something they have no reason, at all, to care about.

The bottom line is that some of us go out of our way for the people we care about, but because we are willing to do almost anything for them, there is that courtesy we ask of them and that is, don't ask us to carry the little loads. Those, I feel are for either acquaintances or the times in life where you go it your own. Sometimes when you're asking so little of someone and you think "is it so much to ask?' Take a step back and ask yourself. Would they even ask you for so little?

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Free Writing - Take 59

So funny, seeing things from afar. Even those I didn't normally see in person, I see so differently. The sun shined today, seemingly the first time in a week, but not really. I felt fatigued, even symptoms to that in which, knock on wood, I haven't experienced in two years, maybe even three. The scraping sound of a ladder, familiar to my memories, sounded outside the window. Finally the slumber began and I awoke, still groggy, but aware. The ache was gone, but the cloudiness remained and for the first time in ages, I took a pill to relieve the pain. A nice dinner and a better baseball game put me in a brighter mood. I really started thinking later in the night and it made me realize that so much of what makes us happy in this world is simply our ability to shut off our cares. In many cases, to turn off our brains. Some are masters of this and some it comes more naturally, but it is, albeit not one I desire, a true gift. I also thought about how other's decisions, even in their inaction causes changes in our own lives. One such action, which was compounded today, truly struck a nerve. It made me realize that the decisions of others, when we know deep down they are regretted, burn us inside. I can't turn that off, just as I can't turn off the pain I feel when I know a friends child is suffering. Not physical pain, nor even emotional, but the pain I see that will be caused down the road. A pain, so few even know they are inflicting. Tell me again, it's none of my business. So I go to faceless, nameless children in other towns I'll never visit and read about them in the paper. Those I "admire" won't ever hear or read about them and they'll go about their happy lives. It's 5:30am again. Same time I laid down the night before. I hope I'll receive the luxury of more than 165 minutes this time. Maybe today I'll be able to ignore my own woes, so the woes of strangers won't bother me nearly as much. Maybe, I'll go eat some hummus. That always helps.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Random Thoughts At 2:44AM

Most people I know do not care about knowing the truth or facts, they only care about being the one who passes along information.

I wonder if I could privately ask people why they use social media (honestly), what their reason would be. 

I don't think people without a sense of humor, realize how much fun the world can be. Even during the hard times. 

So many of us spend time thinking of mistakes and regrets, but if we really think about it, we've probably dodged more bullets than missed boats. 

You know when you sit by yourself reading, sipping some coffee or tea and you don't think about anything, but what you're doing? That!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

48 Hours of Faceboohoo A Free Writing ****Fest

I try not curse on social media or in my blog. I find it's immature, but holy fucking shit. How is it possible that out of 594 people, I couldn't find one positive original post in two full days. Sure there was the obligatory "my kid is so fucking cute (because you probably feel guilty for punishing them)" daily pics or the "I loved this so much I had to share it" or the usual "I am doing this fucking nothing for this bullshit charity, which I'm not even sure is real, but I look like a kind soul, so fuck it, I'll post this ribbon or wear this shirt or whatever" picture, but I mean original thought. Not a single, "hey today is going to be a good day" or "I'm proud of myself for not being a total fuckwad" or maybe even "you know what, my kid ain't perfect, but he tried so hard today." Nothing. Not one single post like that. So what I started doing was blocking all the shared links that people share daily. The next, will be the obvious, but it's so common to threaten, but who really cares anyway. Facebook has become the most depressing place on the earth. I shit you not when I know at least four people who have posted pics with the husband or the wife of the person they've been fucking behind their own spouses back and it's insane that anyone could be that fucking stupid. I know people who have sexually assaulted people, giving fucking relationship advice, which is fucking nauseating. I know people who are such magnets to misery, it amazes me they are still actually shocked when the shit goes down. Seriously, I'm no saint and I'll pretty much fess up to my ills, but c'mon people. You owns homes, you have children, you have spouses and you have jobs, which may or may not suck, but you have all the necessities to be happy, but you don't have love in your hearts, because you have greed and envy of everything you see of others. Please realize that they have the same woes as you and if they're showing a picture of their new car, with their big ring and their fancy new dress perfectly framed, they are suffering too. 

I am starting to sound like a damn faith healer, but you people really need to get your heads out of your asses and your neighbor's yard and move on with your lives. I have nothing and I mean literally nothing, but I have my family, my intelligence and my sense of fucking humor, which no matter what has been thrown at me or those I surround myself, never waivers. I have a handful of friends who I lean on when I need it and most of them are gone, swimming in a sea of self doubt and pity, never looking into the mirror and realizing everything is pretty fucking OK. I don't have the physical ability to relieve stress by sticking my leg behind my head, beating the fuck out of a heavy bag or doing burpees or whatever they are called. I can barely go for a mind clearing walk these days, so I find other ways. Then I go on Facebook and witness 600 people feeling sorry for themselves, their husbands, their grandmothers, their kids and then when something does go down, everyone passes it over as if it's nothing. Hell, if I see one more parent complain about their kid's homework, I'm calling the cops and having their kids removed. Just because you're too fucking stupid to help your grade school aged child with their homework, stop blaming common core. The core of the problem for all these people is very common and it's well known, it's called lack of intelligence. If your nine year old can struggle through it, you can grab their book, a glass of wine and learn it yourself, while they sleep. Need help, send them to me for a week and they'll be shooting numbers out faster than you could imagine. 

OK, I'm not even going to share this, because, oh fuck you, of course I'm going to share it. It's as childish as the stupid website. I posted about ten jokes today and one response, but Generic Facebook Fanny posts their feeling down and gets 23 likes and 79 comments, all from their Dr. Phil friends. It's 5am and I need a fucking Snickers or I need to come to my senses and limit my page to the 15-20 people I actually give a flying fuck about or if nothing else, make me smile and turn down all the requests for negativity. I laugh, because half these miserable fucks are the one's who are always telling everyone else about yoga, kale, crossfit and the wonders of sobriety or having a mental enema, which they call meditation. You can't meditate with your phone plugged in, sipping a Starbucks worried about your neighbor's addition or your kid's English teacher having a Spanish name. You also can't post 16 horseshit articles on Ebola or the child disease of the week. Some people are really suffering and those people have the fucking right. You don't. 

OK, so this is what I call therapy. You don't like it? You probably should have stopped after title. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Feeling Good

As I listen and read the comments from people and the in-depth look into their lives, I have to question everything they say. How can your family be so strong, but you are always so angry, upset or stressed. How can someone be so upset at everything around them and so comforted by their kids, spouse or loved ones?  My support system has always been small and even in the deepest depths of sadness and stress, it's those moments with them, if even just to hear their voice, that I gain strength and perseverance to move on. I've come to the sad realization that I am in a very small minority.

I'm in now way belittling anyone who is going through anything difficult, but it seems to me those problems wouldn't be nearly as catastrophic had they the support of even a single individual, who really had their backs. In many ways, this blog is just a continuation of what I write about so often, which is reality vs perception. We so desperately want people to see us as perfect, but also wounded. There is no way to do this on social media or even with words, because for us to truly care about your woes, we need to believe you need us. So many of us like this or that or comment with generic support, but we do so with the assumption you have true support elsewhere. What most of would be surprised to know, had we reached out to those people privately, is that they do not.

So why the subject line? I feel good. I have no reason to for any reason, but I do. I hurt physically, but emotionally, I feel OK and it's been a while since I can say, with clarity, that I truly do. I can't explain why, because the grey cloud if impending doom is widening and getting closer, yet I feel comforted by those I trust with my feelings. Those who aren't all right by my side, but those who I have helped me through this difficult transition that I find myself going through. It's nice to feel good when you shouldn't. It's because those who are my rock are always rock and with them, I feel stressed, but never enough to let the world get the idea that I am in any way that I am beaten. For those who are, almost daily, I feel for you and can only wish you had what I cherish.  Like I said, I'm feeling good. Hope all of you can feel this soon.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Conservative Media & It's Agenda Is Working

Originally posted as a Facebook status for my red majority friends. Now you see why people hate me. I don't exactly do Facebook properly. 
As anyone where I live(d) cares, they just swallow the red pill and they're done. Well, it appears the conservatives are getting wise. Every election, they request, report and pound us over the head with unrelenting information about polls. WHY? They know that if they report that a democratic candidate is winning, historically that means that liberals will not go out to vote. Thus making the election closer and in many cases, actually throwing the election to their side. It's hard to believe this, but that liberal media you keep hearing about is generally owned and operated by a conservative with conservative ads and conservative messages. It's only that when it's not, we hear about it.
So, it's been brought to the attention of anyone paying any, that no major polls have come out in two weeks. So I asked the obvious question....why? Well, here's the reason. The conservatives are actually winning 74% of the elections and they don't want anyone to know. They don't want any liberals voting, which has been their objective for six years now. As many know, the voting fraud theory has been debunked so badly, it has backfired on every conservative who has brought it up, so of course they are quiet about it now. What is happening? People paid to inspect voting machines in preparation for the elections two weeks from now have found numerous flaws in the machines. Especially in Texas. So why isn't this being reported by liberal media? Good question, but the answer is simple. The liberal media is owned and operated by lobbyists and they ain't donating to the left. Already enough shenanigans has been reported to call for some serious investigation, but there has been none. But why?
Well here's why in a nutshell. Isis! Ebola! Climate Change! Guns! Ferguson! All of these are important events that deserve our attention, but as a government, not as a people. The conservatives know this and they also know that liberals grab on to one thing and can't let go, but that thing is seldom a voting lever. They are banking on liberals assuming the rest of the country is appalled enough with congress to vote them all out, but they are mistaken. McConnell has been so brazen to say he is going to shut down the government permanently until Obama is out of office, should be become the majority leader. How many liberal media posts reported this? One! Comedy Central.
Here's the best of the best. Why does it seem like the primaries had such little flare, despite being one of the most important midterm elections in recent memory? It's quite simple actually. Republicans have changed their allegiance and have switched their party affiliation to independent. What does this do? It makes it so they aren't counted in the primaries and it lessens the appearance of the parties power. Even Bill O'Reilly, the poster child for conservatism, is an independent. That's how much of a joke it is.
I know 90% of the people I know don't care about who is running and will vote with their red compatriots, but the reality is, a vote for a conservative is a vote for government stagnation (most red sided friends will ignore that word, because they don't know it's definition), but it's true. We already have the worst congress ever, who has hurt this country more than any in it's short history and if the polls from two weeks ago stay true, Obama's hands will be completely tied for the remainder of his term. This is not good for American, for numerous reasons, but too difficult for most to understand. All of you who want smaller government, need to realize that what the GOP is doing is making a smaller number the biggest government we've ever had. Vote with your head, not with your heart or else we all lose.