Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter Morning - I Have Risen (Way Too Early)

Asleep a little after 12. Awake at 2 and now it's 4. Perusing the media outlets that contain friends and strangers. Regrets and possibilities stare at me. Wish I could go back and take that walk and change the course of personal history. Wish I could get that one break that would propel my dimly lit future. I see potential partners everywhere, both romantic and business, but it never comes together. My mind is both 25 and 65, as I approach 45. My body is 85, getting older by the day.

I lay, thinking about my last few hours, of which I have 32. There will be a wonderful meal, shared with my father and some friends. My brother, his wife and the dog will be absent. I miss them. I show my emotions to no-one anymore. Years of pain have taught me that nobody cares for the tears of this clown. My face is covered with grotesque slots and marks, medicines seem ineffective and the stress is tearing at me. I need to be able to look people in the eye. A potential boss or maybe a date, but my confidence, once grandiose, is weak, even shattered in ways. I stay afloat. Kicking, flailing, like a child thrown into the lake, paddling to survive.

I see a smile on the face of a friend and know I put it there. Their pain, momentarily eclipsed by a silly joke or a compliment. I push them over some invisible hurdle, lifting them upon my shoulders, my weakening knees shake, but I hold still. I reach for their hand to assist me, but they're gone. Moved on to some other life event. I believe they said thank you, I couldn't hear, as their back was turned. I sit facing the few true friends, sip my beer, my wine, my soup. I laugh and they laugh with me. They hand me some bread. It crunches and the crumbs fall on my chest. For minutes, I forget, lose myself in a meal, a story, a joke.

It's 4am and I've been here before. In 12 hours I'll be sipping a drink. In 24, I'll be back here thinking, in 36 I'll be on a bus, rolling towards my personal hell. In 48, I'll be alone, hoping for 60, when those who don't know better look up to me for support, guidance and to make them laugh. In 72, I'll be back to my solemn routine, thinking, as I am now, about regrets, missed opportunities and the once shining future.  Maybe it's as simple as changing the batteries, but do I have enough to buy them and will I know where to shine that light?

Saturday, April 19, 2014



1 Jadeveon Clowney
DE, South Carolina
2 Greg Robinson
OT, Auburn
3 Johnny Manziel
QB, Texas A&M
4 Sammy Watkins
WR, Clemson
5 Blake Bortles
6 Khalil Mack
OLB, Buffalo
7 Jake Matthews
OT, Texas A&M
8 Teddy Bridgewater
QB, Louisville
9 Anthony Barr
10 Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
DS, Alabama
11 Derek Carr
QB, Fresno State
12 Eric Ebron
TE, North Carolina
13 Mike Evans
WR, Texas A&M
14 Taylor Lewan
OT, Michigan
15 Aaron Donald
DT, Pittsburgh
16 Kony Ealy
DE, Missouri
17 Louis Nix III
DT, Notre Dame
18 Marqise Lee
19 Darqueze Dennard
DC, Michigan State
20 Zack Martin
OT, Notre Dame
21 Ryan Shazier
OLB, Ohio State
22 C.J. Mosley
ILB, Alabama
23 Odell Beckham Jr.
24 Calvin Pryor
DS, Louisville
25 Cody Latimer
WR, Indiana
26 Carlos Hyde
RB, Ohio State
27 Dominique Easley
DT, Florida
28 Jarvis Landry
29 Kareem Martin
DE, North Carolina
30 Timmy Jernigan
DT, Florida State
31 Martavis Bryant
WR, Clemson
32 Austin Seferian-Jenkins Seattle

Friday, April 18, 2014

2014 MLB Predictions (Yes, I realize it's three weeks late)

I hand wrote my predictions about a month ago and never posted them to my silly blog. So here they are.

American League:
East - New York Yankees
Central - Detroit Tigers*
West - Oakland Athletics
WC - Texas Rangers and Boston Red Sox

The Yankees will bounce back with a healthy Jeter and Tex. The addition of Ellsbury and McCann will help, but Beltran is the key, because he allows for Soriano, Ichiro, Gardner and Ellsbury to rest and/or play DH.  The Tigers will continue their dominance of the Central, due largely to their big 3 again. I know the popular picks are the Rangers and Angels in the West, but I'm loving the A's this season. They dominate at home and in a close division, that will be the difference.  Texas is too strong with their young players not to make the layoffs and Boston squeaks by Baltimore, Anaheim and Tampa Bay to get the last spot.

National League:
East - Atlanta Braves
Central - St. Louis Cardinals*
West - Los Angeles Dodgers
WC - Washington Nationals and Arizona Diamondbacks

Atlanta and Washington will trade the top spot all year long, but the Atlanta crew will take it. St. Louis will dominate the Central, possibly clinching a playoff spot in mid-September.  Los Angeles has too many weapons and if they need something during the season, the money to go out and get it.  Washington's young guns will be tough all season and Arizona has some interesting weapons and a solid bullpen.

Wild Card Game:
Boston over Texas
Washington over Arizona

Divisional Series:
Detroit over Boston 4-3
Yankees over Oakland 4-1
St. Louis over Washington 4-3
Los Angeles over Atlanta 4-2

League Championship Series:
Detroit over Yankees 4-2
Los Angeles over St. Louis 4-2

World Series:
Detroit over Los Angeles 4-2
World Series MVP - Victor Martinez

AL: Miguel Cabrera, Detroit
NL: Paul Goldschmidt, Arizona

Cy Young:
AL: Yu Darvish, Texas
NL: Clayton Kershaw, Los Angeles

AL: Nick Castellanos, Detroit
NL: Chris Owings, Arizona

Free Writing - Take 40

3:31 staggering towards the dimly lit hall, is it age or the coffee. A mid sleep trip to the bathroom that awakens me nightly. I look in the mirror and my tormented skin. My squinted eyes try to deflect the light and the frustration. Acne escaped my teen years, but has come after me with a vengeance. Everyone has their theory, as do I. I shuffle back to bed, sip from the water bedside. I crank the window open and the crisp air touches my warm face. I smile; birds chirp, but not to bother, but to chat, like two close friends, sharing their sorrows or is it their pleasures?  I roll over and reach for something. Am I asleep already or is the dream that preceded my trip coming back. It was pleasant, yet innocent. A trip to a cabin, they're always a cabin. Quiet, desolate, safe. Money, phones and stress have no place here. Two small to stretch out, we pull the blankets over us. She tells me of her fidelity and I tell her of my honor. I embrace her gently and we drift off. The birds talk about how trusting she is and how filled with hope they are for me. They then return to their own lives and my mind begins to settle into a dream. I am startled awake and I quickly ponder the days we shared together, wrapped in each other's arms. I wearily glance over, as the birds laugh. 3:37

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Pluses & Minuses Of Living Alone

Leaving the toilet seat up whenever you want
Not having anyone to blame when you fall in at 4am

Movie night: Horror
Nobody to protect from the scary parts

One egg omelets
Nobody to remind you to buy eggs

Saturday and Sundays laying in bed without plans
Saturdays and Sundays laying bed without sex

Toilet paper lasts twice as long
See that comment about eggs

Food bills are minuscule
Dining alone is depressing

Dinner is slightly overcooked, but nobody to critique it
Realization you made enough for two meals

None of her friends calling "to chat" at all hours
Nobody for you to chat with at any hour

Not having to clean up after yourself
Not liking the state of your apartment and the depression it causes

Never having to make your bed
Never having it look like a mess for the right reasons

Eating entire meals in bed without any worries
Waking up to food stuck to your leg in the morning

Not having to go to bed because someone else is tired
Staying awake all night because you miss that comfort

All the sheets are yours
OK, so there is no minus in this one

Making a delicious meal and enjoying it
Not being able to see the reaction of someone enjoying it

Being able to dress the way you want and not be criticized
Going out with your sweatshirt on backwards and sleep in your eye

Never being surprised with chores or guests
Never being surprised with coffee, bacon or morning sex

Home is where the heart is
Only having half of it there

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A-Z Of What Is Pissing Me Off (2014 Edition)

I did this a few years ago and without looking back to see what I wrote then, I'm going to write a new one.  Interesting to see if the same things are on both lists or if I've evolved or devolved.  Here you go.

A- Ads. During the Olympics we hit a new low with 22 minutes of commercials for eight minutes of coverage.
B- Buses. I'm so sick of taking buses.  I used to love long drives.  Buses suck.
C- Climate deniers. Really? This shit seems normal?
D- Dumb people. They  truly are everywhere you look.
E- Envy. For the first time in my life, I've found myself envious of a few people.  It's an ugly feeling.
F- Facebook. It's become the whiniest, bitchiest, attention craving, miserable fucked, weather obsessed piece of shit website ever, but I stay for pics of my friends kids and stories of their accomplishments.
G- Guns. If you still think it's the people that are the problem, you're not educated in the crime rates in other countries.
H- Health obsessed lecturers. Not people who you go to see, but those who tell you that the meal you've waited all day to eat, isn't healthy.
I- Individuality.  Or should I say lack of it.  I used to know 200 people, now I know 40 versions of five.
J- Justice. The more I read about our justice system, the more I realize how flawed our society and it's rules are.
K- Knicks. I don't really hate them, because they're irrelevant, but needed a K.
L- Leaks. If you know the story about my apartment, you know the ordeal.
M- Money. The more I live, the more obsessed people are with it and lose touch with what is really important.  See Facebook for examples.
N- Nigger. Yes, I wrote nigger. I'm so sick of hearing the ignorant racist white people I live near use this word. If this is acceptable, step up and use it in front of a black person.  Yeah, I thought not.
O- Opportunities.  I grew up being spoon fed this false idea that this country was the land of it, but the reality is, it's limited to about 310 million of us.
P- Parents. Kids are growing up to be unintelligent assholes. Yes, even some of my friend's kids, yet everyone else is the problem, but they are the POTY. Makes me sad.
Q- Qualifications. Yes, this could be my fault, but one piece of paper makes so many more qualified than my 20+ years of experience in a field.
R- Republicans. Not them as individuals, but their political agenda to degrade women, keep immigrants and minorities down and let the rich keep getting rich, even if it never helps them at all.
S- Sleep. I don't hate it, but hate that I lack it so often.
T- Television. I can't say I hate it really, because other than sports, I don't watch it.  That being said, when I have the opportunity, I realize it's killing our society's soul.  Making us puppets to capitalism and making us more ignorant.
U- Unemployment. Despite what people may think, my part time job is not my life goal.  I just don't want to be miserable 40 hours a week. I achieve that spending hours listening to my friends talk about their lives.
V- Vehicles. There are just too many cars on the road. The traffic, the noise, the deaths.  It's terrible.
W- Walking. Not because I'm lazy, but nobody understands the pain I experience from simply walking to the bathroom. Pain sucks! Maybe should have been P.
X- Xenophobes. It's just a fancy word for racist, bigot, hater.
Y- YouTube. When did they add ads to every single video?
Z- Zeppole. I was getting desperate and I love zoos, but I hate zeppoles.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Free Writing - Take 39

Today I lost a friend. Well, not exactly a friend, but a follower. A Twitter acquaintance that got fed up with a few days of negativity. It struck a chord. I have been. Do I have the right to be dismayed? Of course, but why should others be bothered? So what did I do? I punished myself. I won't get into how or why, but I neglected myself quietly, in an attempt to come to terms with a strangers annoyance. Silly? I don't think so. If someone that doesn't know me, saw ugliness, what did those close to me feel? Disgust? Should I have posted statuses about a trip in my shoes? For sympathy? Fuck sympathy. I need to man up and make changes happen.  First is to go to sleep before 5am