Friday, October 24, 2014

Random Thoughts At 2:44AM

Most people I know do not care about knowing the truth or facts, they only care about being the one who passes along information.

I wonder if I could privately ask people why they use social media (honestly), what their reason would be. 

I don't think people without a sense of humor, realize how much fun the world can be. Even during the hard times. 

So many of us spend time thinking of mistakes and regrets, but if we really think about it, we've probably dodged more bullets than missed boats. 

You know when you sit by yourself reading, sipping some coffee or tea and you don't think about anything, but what you're doing? That!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

48 Hours of Faceboohoo A Free Writing ****Fest

I try not curse on social media or in my blog. I find it's immature, but holy fucking shit. How is it possible that out of 594 people, I couldn't find one positive original post in two full days. Sure there was the obligatory "my kid is so fucking cute (because you probably feel guilty for punishing them)" daily pics or the "I loved this so much I had to share it" or the usual "I am doing this fucking nothing for this bullshit charity, which I'm not even sure is real, but I look like a kind soul, so fuck it, I'll post this ribbon or wear this shirt or whatever" picture, but I mean original thought. Not a single, "hey today is going to be a good day" or "I'm proud of myself for not being a total fuckwad" or maybe even "you know what, my kid ain't perfect, but he tried so hard today." Nothing. Not one single post like that. So what I started doing was blocking all the shared links that people share daily. The next, will be the obvious, but it's so common to threaten, but who really cares anyway. Facebook has become the most depressing place on the earth. I shit you not when I know at least four people who have posted pics with the husband or the wife of the person they've been fucking behind their own spouses back and it's insane that anyone could be that fucking stupid. I know people who have sexually assaulted people, giving fucking relationship advice, which is fucking nauseating. I know people who are such magnets to misery, it amazes me they are still actually shocked when the shit goes down. Seriously, I'm no saint and I'll pretty much fess up to my ills, but c'mon people. You owns homes, you have children, you have spouses and you have jobs, which may or may not suck, but you have all the necessities to be happy, but you don't have love in your hearts, because you have greed and envy of everything you see of others. Please realize that they have the same woes as you and if they're showing a picture of their new car, with their big ring and their fancy new dress perfectly framed, they are suffering too. 

I am starting to sound like a damn faith healer, but you people really need to get your heads out of your asses and your neighbor's yard and move on with your lives. I have nothing and I mean literally nothing, but I have my family, my intelligence and my sense of fucking humor, which no matter what has been thrown at me or those I surround myself, never waivers. I have a handful of friends who I lean on when I need it and most of them are gone, swimming in a sea of self doubt and pity, never looking into the mirror and realizing everything is pretty fucking OK. I don't have the physical ability to relieve stress by sticking my leg behind my head, beating the fuck out of a heavy bag or doing burpees or whatever they are called. I can barely go for a mind clearing walk these days, so I find other ways. Then I go on Facebook and witness 600 people feeling sorry for themselves, their husbands, their grandmothers, their kids and then when something does go down, everyone passes it over as if it's nothing. Hell, if I see one more parent complain about their kid's homework, I'm calling the cops and having their kids removed. Just because you're too fucking stupid to help your grade school aged child with their homework, stop blaming common core. The core of the problem for all these people is very common and it's well known, it's called lack of intelligence. If your nine year old can struggle through it, you can grab their book, a glass of wine and learn it yourself, while they sleep. Need help, send them to me for a week and they'll be shooting numbers out faster than you could imagine. 

OK, I'm not even going to share this, because, oh fuck you, of course I'm going to share it. It's as childish as the stupid website. I posted about ten jokes today and one response, but Generic Facebook Fanny posts their feeling down and gets 23 likes and 79 comments, all from their Dr. Phil friends. It's 5am and I need a fucking Snickers or I need to come to my senses and limit my page to the 15-20 people I actually give a flying fuck about or if nothing else, make me smile and turn down all the requests for negativity. I laugh, because half these miserable fucks are the one's who are always telling everyone else about yoga, kale, crossfit and the wonders of sobriety or having a mental enema, which they call meditation. You can't meditate with your phone plugged in, sipping a Starbucks worried about your neighbor's addition or your kid's English teacher having a Spanish name. You also can't post 16 horseshit articles on Ebola or the child disease of the week. Some people are really suffering and those people have the fucking right. You don't. 

OK, so this is what I call therapy. You don't like it? You probably should have stopped after title. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Feeling Good

As I listen and read the comments from people and the in-depth look into their lives, I have to question everything they say. How can your family be so strong, but you are always so angry, upset or stressed. How can someone be so upset at everything around them and so comforted by their kids, spouse or loved ones?  My support system has always been small and even in the deepest depths of sadness and stress, it's those moments with them, if even just to hear their voice, that I gain strength and perseverance to move on. I've come to the sad realization that I am in a very small minority.

I'm in now way belittling anyone who is going through anything difficult, but it seems to me those problems wouldn't be nearly as catastrophic had they the support of even a single individual, who really had their backs. In many ways, this blog is just a continuation of what I write about so often, which is reality vs perception. We so desperately want people to see us as perfect, but also wounded. There is no way to do this on social media or even with words, because for us to truly care about your woes, we need to believe you need us. So many of us like this or that or comment with generic support, but we do so with the assumption you have true support elsewhere. What most of would be surprised to know, had we reached out to those people privately, is that they do not.

So why the subject line? I feel good. I have no reason to for any reason, but I do. I hurt physically, but emotionally, I feel OK and it's been a while since I can say, with clarity, that I truly do. I can't explain why, because the grey cloud if impending doom is widening and getting closer, yet I feel comforted by those I trust with my feelings. Those who aren't all right by my side, but those who I have helped me through this difficult transition that I find myself going through. It's nice to feel good when you shouldn't. It's because those who are my rock are always rock and with them, I feel stressed, but never enough to let the world get the idea that I am in any way that I am beaten. For those who are, almost daily, I feel for you and can only wish you had what I cherish.  Like I said, I'm feeling good. Hope all of you can feel this soon.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Conservative Media & It's Agenda Is Working

Originally posted as a Facebook status for my red majority friends. Now you see why people hate me. I don't exactly do Facebook properly. 
As anyone where I live(d) cares, they just swallow the red pill and they're done. Well, it appears the conservatives are getting wise. Every election, they request, report and pound us over the head with unrelenting information about polls. WHY? They know that if they report that a democratic candidate is winning, historically that means that liberals will not go out to vote. Thus making the election closer and in many cases, actually throwing the election to their side. It's hard to believe this, but that liberal media you keep hearing about is generally owned and operated by a conservative with conservative ads and conservative messages. It's only that when it's not, we hear about it.
So, it's been brought to the attention of anyone paying any, that no major polls have come out in two weeks. So I asked the obvious question....why? Well, here's the reason. The conservatives are actually winning 74% of the elections and they don't want anyone to know. They don't want any liberals voting, which has been their objective for six years now. As many know, the voting fraud theory has been debunked so badly, it has backfired on every conservative who has brought it up, so of course they are quiet about it now. What is happening? People paid to inspect voting machines in preparation for the elections two weeks from now have found numerous flaws in the machines. Especially in Texas. So why isn't this being reported by liberal media? Good question, but the answer is simple. The liberal media is owned and operated by lobbyists and they ain't donating to the left. Already enough shenanigans has been reported to call for some serious investigation, but there has been none. But why?
Well here's why in a nutshell. Isis! Ebola! Climate Change! Guns! Ferguson! All of these are important events that deserve our attention, but as a government, not as a people. The conservatives know this and they also know that liberals grab on to one thing and can't let go, but that thing is seldom a voting lever. They are banking on liberals assuming the rest of the country is appalled enough with congress to vote them all out, but they are mistaken. McConnell has been so brazen to say he is going to shut down the government permanently until Obama is out of office, should be become the majority leader. How many liberal media posts reported this? One! Comedy Central.
Here's the best of the best. Why does it seem like the primaries had such little flare, despite being one of the most important midterm elections in recent memory? It's quite simple actually. Republicans have changed their allegiance and have switched their party affiliation to independent. What does this do? It makes it so they aren't counted in the primaries and it lessens the appearance of the parties power. Even Bill O'Reilly, the poster child for conservatism, is an independent. That's how much of a joke it is.
I know 90% of the people I know don't care about who is running and will vote with their red compatriots, but the reality is, a vote for a conservative is a vote for government stagnation (most red sided friends will ignore that word, because they don't know it's definition), but it's true. We already have the worst congress ever, who has hurt this country more than any in it's short history and if the polls from two weeks ago stay true, Obama's hands will be completely tied for the remainder of his term. This is not good for American, for numerous reasons, but too difficult for most to understand. All of you who want smaller government, need to realize that what the GOP is doing is making a smaller number the biggest government we've ever had. Vote with your head, not with your heart or else we all lose.

The Five Most Life Altering Experiences

Someone had posted this on Facebook as somewhat of a challenge. To think of the five things that have happened that have altered your life. I commented before they had written, that this is interesting, but it has the potential to become five things that happened to other people that affected you. She wrote two versions. I'm actually going to try and write one, sticking to what has happened to me directly.

My being adopted. Nothing in my life had a larger and more positive affect on my life. Has everything gone the way I'd write it from the beginning? Of course not, but the life I was afforded is the life I know and I wouldn't change the upbringing and the love I've been shown in my life for anything.

Acceptance into St. Ann's. At the time, while living in Brooklyn, St. Ann's was legendary. Considered by most to be the best school in the five boroughs and by many to be the best school in the state. While I was too young to really understand the magnitude, I wasn't only accepted, but offered the opportunity to skip third grade. To go into the benefits, would come across as cocky and conceited, but the reality is, the 8th graders I left in the early 80's were smarter and better read than most of the seniors I left in the late 80's. It's not mean, it's a fact. I learned more in my five years there than I did even in college.

Tearing my ACL. At the time, I thought I had hurt myself badly, it would be fixed and I would recover and go about my life as I always had. No single moment would change my life more. Today, I can't enjoy sports, which was my true love. I can't run. I can't bend. I can, in all honesty, not sit, stand or walk without excruciating pain. I can't even put a sock on my right foot without nearly passing out. People think it's an exaggeration, but it's also limited what jobs I can apply for and that has hurt my life incredibly.

The Adoption Process. The adoption process completely broke my heart at 9 years old. My parents had adopted a baby girl and for 29 days I had a baby sister named Lora. That love was taken away when the biological parents changed their mind, which by law, was their right. As I sat holding her for the last time, I felt the single worst pain I had and would ever feel. To have someone taken away, not from sickness, age or any stroke of bad luck or bad behavior, but by no fault of my own. This story does have a silver lining, in that without that pain and suffering, I never would have been afforded the luck of having my brother adopted. For that, I can't be any more thankful. I hate fucking cliches, but sometimes bad things happen to good people for a reason and that reason isn't clear until the dust settles. The entire processed hardened me, but it prepared me for anything and everything life had to send my way.

My mother's cancer. To say this was a hardship would be laughable. I didn't suffer the sickness I witnessed. To for even once complain about what I went through would make me a selfish cunt. My mother, off an on for almost a decade, battled this disease and the strength she showed amazed me. Her death, a decade ago, was also not a life changing event in many ways, because I was prepared for it. Missing her every day, just reminds me what I knew already and that was just how special she was to everyone, not just me. So why was this event life altering? The responsibility, the trust and the appreciation that was cast upon me was overwhelming. Despite the weight being unbearable at times, it showed me that all our lives are important. I was in a dark point during one of the down moments for her and the feeling of being needed taught me so much. I grew up during that time and it showed me that it might not always be evident and appreciated with words, but the feeling that your life meant something immeasurable to another, is hard to describe.

People view me as a negative person, because I'm a realist, who calls a spade a spade. I don't mince words and I don't sugarcoat the bad shit. That being said, I try my hardest to take something from everything in life. I try to learn each and every day, to the point where it is, I believe, negatively affecting my life. I could have sat and written ten pages of negatives that have happened to me, my family and my loved ones. I could have taken negatives and looked for the same kind of sympathy every looks for day in and day out on social media, but that isn't me. I don't need to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, because mine aren't only worn out, but I can walk no more. This isn't a cry for help, but in invitation to lean on these shoulders, because the number of people I have reached out to recently who have shown me their problems are only skin deep amazes me. Yet, I still offer. Over and over again. I know my place on this earth and I know what I have to offer. If no one takes me up on it, so be it, but I'm at peace with what I've endured and what the future holds and how I will handle it.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

What I Want Right Now

I would kill for a loaf of Italian bread, a cheap cube steak and a red onion. Some lettuce, tomato and Sriracha. Maybe a tablespoon of mayo, just to create a little sweetness. I would love a nice cold Nestle Quick and a bag of Doritos. Does any of this go together? Of course, not buy, between that and the nearly six months since my last strip of bacon, I'm due for something familiar. Either that or twelve hours, drinking light beers and talking shit, while watching millionaires I've grown to care a lot less about over the recent weeks. Maybe it's distance from the norm or maybe it's financial woes. Either way, I'd kill for that sandwich, chips and a drink. Or maybe just one. For old time's sake.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Most Simple Pleasure I Know

I was a little down in the dumps Tuesday night. I didn't sleep that well and woke up feeling the blahs. I had a pretty quiet, uneventful day and then watched some baseball. A great game and an outcome that pleased me. That being said, the weight of a few things were getting to me and that was going to be that. Nothing I could do. Then I had dinner.

A glass of wine, some spinach, fingerling potatoes and a delicious piece of lamb. It's funny how the tiniest thing can change your mood. For me, it's food or children. Nothing can get me out of a funk faster, but when it's food that does it, nothing works better than lamb. The more simple the preparation, the more lamb taste, the happier I am. I just wish the feeling it gave me lasted longer than the time until the next meal.